Communication Failure?

There was a story on the news the other night about an educator down in Florida who felt that cursive handwriting had outlived it's usefulness and so they were no longer going to teach it in that school given kids need to learn to type and text more. Thank heaven saner minds prevailed and cursive continues to be taught, but it got me thinking to the type of communication we have today. Sure, it's faster. But is it better?

Case in point. Most electronic devices today have an "auto finisher" option that will finish typing a word for you, saving you time. But when that auto finisher inserts the wrong word, the resultant message, while oftentimes funny, totally misses the point and causes the receiver to furrow their brow in bewilderment wondering just what the original message was supposed to be.

Or how about all the acronyms and just plain parts of words that are to save again on having to type it all- but that may be lost to the end user. I get there there may only be 160 characters to say all that you've got to say, but really! When you get a message like, "R U F2T?" (are you free to talk for those of you text challenged out there) my response is always a resounding "Yes" for at least by talking, I won't have to think so hard about what the sender is really trying to say.

Now that's not to say I don't enjoy the brevity of today's communication, but is is a bit of a misnomer to think we are communicating with those right in front of us. Now instead of going out to catch up with friends- we still get together, but invariably are all on the phone texting others rather than connecting with those around us. Look around. If you are in a public place, I'll bet that most people around you are not looking at the world around them, but at the world, their world, that exists is that small phone device in their hand.

I wonder what face to face communication will look like in the future? Will the term "John Hancock" at some point really only refer to the man and not the signature that many people reference when people say, "we need your John Hancock on this". Will cursive writing really go the way of the buggy whip? And are we ready to let machines finish our communication for us, guessing on the word that we may want to use just because we have used it so many times before?

For this writer, I hope the answers to all of these questions are no. While I love the convenience and brevity of today's communication, I love more the English language and the vast array of words that are available to us. Sure, some of the words have more letters that you may want to use in a text, some words will never come up in an "auto finish" option, and some things just can't be said with an acronym. But some thoughts are more important, more necessary than simple words warrant. And that's the beauty of the written word, and ALL the letters they contain.

In Love for 4 days

Can you feign love? A friend of mine decided to put it to the test. She went away with a man she had been casually dating on his promise that her 4 day "Getaway" could be as romantic as ever, in fact he called it "In love for four days", but once they returned it was "back to normal" in terms of their relationship. Back to normal?, she thought. What would that look like after living as a couple for a long weekend?

People put parameters on so many things in their lives. To work out, or not. To buy something for looks or functionality. To put their "Game face" on or to show emotion. All in an effort to do what? Keep true emotions at bay? And are we better for feigning true emotion or is it a protective measure to protect ourselves from being hurt?

So the long weekend happened. According to her they had an amazing time. They slept late, laughed over beers at a local watering hole, walked holding hands along the beach, ate late dinners over candlelight and made love in front of a crackling fire overlooking the ocean. Anyone who saw them certainly would have thought that there was a relationship; a history between these two. Casual friends? Doubtful.

Yet when they returned from their trip, while she was re thinking the casualness of their relationship as she was sure his feelings had changed, he was back to "normal", sticking staunchly to the idea that they were just "friends" and that no connection, nothing meaningful had transpired.

What is it that makes men and women process the same information in a different way? Could she have mis read the signals so dramatically, or did she really not believe him when he said that the trip would change nothing between them? And how could he be so solicitous, so caring for those 4 days going through all the motions but meaning none of them?

Feigning love or any emotion puts those involved in the relationship at risk. Feelings get hurt, hearts get broken and all those painful childhood crush insecurities redevelop.

But for this ConnectedGirl- for those 4 days my friend was happy, happier than I had seen her in a long time. So is there a value in short term happiness at any price? Or was the price in this case too high a price to pay?

Don't look now!

My friend stood up in a bar the other night and because of a "shoe failure" slipped and fell down. She was horribly embarrassed and kept apologizing and saying she wasn't drunk. We didn't think she was.

Another friend,on another night, almost got us kicked out of a bar for making a scene over a sports score that didn't go the way he wanted it to go. He apologized later and said how embarrassed he was for his behavior. I had never given it another thought.

And yet another friend walked out of a restroom with her skirt tucked into the back of her underwear. Red faced and almost in tears, she, too, said how embarrassed she was. We all laughed.

Three separate incidents. But one word to describe them all. Embarrassment. It's kind of a funny word.

My friend who almost got us kicked out of that sports bar, has an observation on it. He feels that if no one sees it- there is no embarrassment. True? For if you slip in your own home, yell at your own TV or have a clothing malfunction in your closet, who's the wiser?

I think on this one, I have to agree. After all- I can be angry with myself for doing something stupid when alone- but embarrassment? Not so much. That embarrassing feeling only happens when you look up and know that someone saw the stupid move, heard the mispronounced turn of phrase, or participated in the awkward situation.

So the next time you see me- don't watch too closely. For I'd hate for my actions to cause me embarrassment. And that can only happen when you are looking!

Relationships

I am always fascinated when people tell me they don't want to be in a relationship. "Hmm", I think. "Isn't every interaction we have with someone, some type of a relationship? And isn't the fact that we are even having a mere conversation suggest some type of relationship, now matter how minimal?"

Maybe it's the type of relationship that they are pushing back on. After all- there are many kinds of relationships -romantic, friendly, adversarial, casual, etc., the list goes on and on.

So how do you clarify when someone says they don't want a relationship what they really want?

A friend of mine had been seeing a man for about 3 months when he told her he didn't want a relationship. Yet he didn't stop calling or seeing her. In fact, nothing really changed in their lives at all, that she could see. She was stymied about this until she finally asked him what was the purpose of the "big speech" that he had made about relationships.

"Well", he said. "I love being with you. I just don't want a relationship".

"What do you think we have?", said she, exasperated to the point of directness.

"What do you mean?" replied he. "This isn't a relationship. It's just us."

And so it goes. Will we ever know what a true relationship is? And how special all the different types of relationships are that we have? Our lives are fuller and richer for those people who pass through them over the course of time and for those that stay for the long haul. Be they friends, lovers, teachers or even adversaries, we learn and grow from every type of relationship that we have.

I personally value all the different types of relationships in my life. They make up the mosaic that is me. When people tell me I have a good life, I always laugh. For my life is not so much a entity unto itself- but more a weave of people who I am in relationships with and for whom I am forever grateful. For this journey called life that we are on, is always better when there are others along for the ride. Here's to relationships and all the smiles, tears, heartache, confusion, humbleness and laughter that comes along with them!

Inequitable Power

They say the person in a relationship who cares the least has all the power. True?

And can you always tell where that power is or does is shift and move throughout the course of a relationship? And does it hold true for any relationship, business or personal?

After all, I watch my girlfriends pine away that men they really like don't call when they say they are going to. And then when they do finally call- my friends drop whatever plans they have to be with these men. Power score? Men, one. My friends? Zero.

Or how about the business relationship where one person owes another something by a deadline and that deadline is missed? Power Score? Ower, one. Owee? Zero.

Or how about the popular kids in high school who seemingly have all the power as everyone wants to be like them to hang with them. You would do anything to be in that "in" crowd, right? Power Score? Cool kids, one. Geeks? Zero.

While we were taught in business school to get to the "win win", and that are no "losers", we all know that day in and day out, this is just not the case. Life is about winning and losing. I guess I just hope in the final tally that my wins off set my losses. It's the competitive part of me.

But the question that plagues me is does there always have to be a winner? And what does it say about you as a person- if for one moment, one day, one relationship, you walk away from your pride,your arrogance, your ego, and you succumb to the fact that you care more than the other person.

Imagine the world we would live in. Just think of how powerful that would be.

Just a Kid again

I got to be a kid again yesterday. . . . .if only for a little while. I threw away the trappings of my so called "life" and reveled in what only kids get to do . . .be carefree and curious. And while we may all want to do that every day- rarely do we get the opportunity.

Yesterday was different. When the adult activity was just too boring for the beautiful day that it was, I set off on an adventure of my own. An adventure of exploration.

As a kid I used to love to run through the empty fields by my house. I would pretend to be an explorer, would play house in abandoned sheds or find tree houses built by kids who had grown up and moved on.

While there were no abandoned sheds or tree houses- there were paths through the woods leading to a lake, to muddy vistas, to savannas full of butterfly bushes, raspberry vines, chickweed, sumac and other remembrances of my childhood.

My friend who went with me- forged a path through the fields, and sometimes, we lost sight of each other so high was the foliage. We happened upon children fishing, dogs frolicking in the water, and any number of birds singing on this beautiful day.It flashed me back to being that kid with mosquito bitten legs chasing after my friends all those many years ago.

When I returned home- I had a smile on my face and I didn't know why until this very moment. I got to be a kid again. A curious, adventurous, don't worry about the mud on my shoes, caution to the wind, kid.

Where do we lose that adventurous spirit along the way? Are we so caught up in being an adult that we forget the fun things in life? Does experience teach us that there are too many dangers around that next path, that next turn, and that it's easier to sit back and watch life go by?

I don't know the answers. But I do know for just a minute, I was a kid again. And that was the greatest feeling in the world!

The Age Old Debate

You know, there might be one difference that even the best of us cannot solve for in a relationship. We tackle the easy things like what side of the bed do you like to sleep on (for me- it's always the left), which way the toilet paper should hang (I'm an over girl)and whether you put water on your toothbrush before or after you add the toothpaste (I'm a little of each). But the one difference that seems insurmountable time and time again is the issue of a morning person versus a night person.

Now try as I might- I will never be a morning person. I swear I'm nocturnal. I do my best thinking after noon and have no problems staying up til the wee hours with boundless energy.

Yet relationship after relationship, I find myself with guys at the other end of the sleep spectrum. These beings are like foreigners to me, springing out of bed at crack of dawn (no- I am sure that some times it is not even dawn when they leap up).

I groan and roll over and am not heard of for at least a few more hours. Yet during the time I am at my best,in the dead of night, where are these morning creatures? Fading fast, and all but dead to the world. It is like their light has been shut off.

So I decided to try an experiment. Could I, the habitual nocturnal soul TURN into a morning person? I decided to give it a try for a month.

I set my alarm for 5am. The first day, in my stunned, disoriented state, I poured juice on my cereal and put milk in the coffee maker. Not a good start. And as the days wore on, I was tired. By 8pm- I was ready for bed. This little experiment was seriously cutting into my night life. Cripes! Under my usual schedule, I wasn't even thinking about where to eat until 8. And now each day I couldn't wait to hit the hay.

They say that once your body gets used to something it will do it on it's own. Well let me tell you- 5am wake ups are never going to be the norm for this girl.

With that effort as an abysmal failure, I asked the man in my life ,at the time, to do a similar experiment only in reverse. He needed to sleep in more and stay up later for one month.

Seriously, he just couldn't sleep in. He'd lay there in the morning, trying to make me happy, staring up at the ceiling, breathing in that way that only men do, just itching for me to wake up so he could get up. And at night? We'd go out to enjoy a dinner and I would always end up driving home as his eyes were closing and head bobbing before we even left the restaurant. He begged to be let out of the experiment long before the month was over.

So I posit that we are what we are. Creatures of the day or creatures of the night, living our best on one side or the other. How about you? Which side do you fall on? And while you're at it . . .how is your toilet paper on the roll?