Hot? Or not?

I had a flash back to 7th grade recently. You remember those days when a boy poked you and then told you, "you're not a fox"? I remember looking down at one such boy (literally as all boys were shorter than me back then),and wondering just what prompted this mean behavior toward me? After all- did this kid think that he was all that with his skinny chest, short legs and braces?

Well fast forward almost 40 years to a man I know telling me I wasn't his type as I wasn't "hot". "Hot"? Really? A middle aged man who was still using the lines from 7th grade only "hot" is now the new "fox"? The absurdity of it all struck me.

And then I wondered, do some boys ever really grow up?

When do they learn to appreciate what women bring to the table beyond looks? Can they appreciate anything other than the superficial or for some- is that "hot woman" the badge of honor that they need to feel fulfilled; to be the man that other men envy.

I'm reminded of a woman that worked for me once whose "husband to be" made her sign a pre nup that she would never gain more than 10 pounds during their marriage or he would divorce her. "You signed it?" I asked, incredulous that any woman would sign such a thing. "If you signed that- did you ask him to sign one that said if he went bald you'd do the same?" I mean really- what's the difference?

Well, it turns out she signed it but asked for nothing in return. And when she couldn't drop the weight she gained having HIS baby, he divorced her. Hard to write, but harder to watch her raise that kid on her own because she was 20 pounds heavier than her wedding weight. Nice guy, eh?

I am fascinated by this "hot" concept for I know my value, although "hot" isn't a word I would use to describe me. I know I am smart, highly accomplished and have a huge network of friends and acquaintances. I give back to the community through volunteer work, I help prepare young people for the future, I help those in need, am funny and engaging at a cocktail party, and am a woman many men vie to be with because I am all of those things and more. But "hot"? Is that still the ruler that I get judged by all these years later?

Disappointment set in for all of a millisecond that a man I knew could say such a thing to me.

And then my brain kicked back into being and I instantly realized the problem. If "hot" was the only ruler that this guy used, he was measuring the wrong woman. For I don't need a man to define me, let alone by my looks.

As for "hot"? You bet I'm "hot". And in all the ways that matter most.

The Pilgrimage

There's a new movie out starring Martin Sheen that I saw the other night called "The Way". I probably wouldn't have even gone to see it had I not just been in the Basque Country of France and Spain and spent a few hours of my own hiking along this path.

Called El Camino de Santiago, this trek can start anywhere but usually originates in St. Jean Pied de Port and always culminates at the Cathedral of Santiago de Compostela, purported to be the place that St. James was interred. While people come to walk "The Way" for a variety of reasons, many say they want "a spiritual adventure to remove themselves from the bustle of modern life"

Well let me tell you, removing yourself from everyday life is not hard on this path. I, for one, had misread the day's itinerary and thought we were going to a vineyard to sample wine. So I was dressed to sip wine and not hike along a stone path that was pretty much out in the middle of nowhere. Imagine my surprise when we began to hike with others dressed in hiking boots, and carrying backpacks with all of their worldly possessions and carrying walking sticks!

We started our journey at one of the hostels that the "pilgrims" stay at during their walk. A quick coffee later and we were on our way. After the first 7 kilometers, I was quite convinced that being a Pilgrim was never going to be my thing. After all- I was still looking for that darn vineyard.

As we came into the second town, another 7 or so kilometers down the path (I use that term loosely for it was merely a collection of 4 or 5 buildings but at least one of them was a tavern where I could get a cold beer)I was busy taking off the various layers I had worn, as the sun had come up and it was quite warm. And then back on the path we went.

About this time, I wasn't the person that you wanted to be walking down this path with. Instead of finding the "inner peace" that so many found on this path, I was beginning to grumble and wonder out loud where the darn vineyard was. It was at this point that I looked around and realized the group I had been with had dispersed leaving me to meditate on this on my own.

And just when I was wondering if I could call a taxi somehow to pick me up in the next "town", an Australian man sidled up beside me. "Hey Mate!", he said in that oh so Australian way. ""Are you walking the entire way?"

"The entire way?", asked I, thinking that this guy had to be blind as I had no back pack, shoes that were better served for sipping wine than hiking and an outfit that was beginning to fade in the mid day heat. "How long will that take?", questioned the naive me.

"Oh you can do it in about 5 weeks", said he as he pulled aside a branch for me to step over.

Five weeks? Out here on this path? Egads! I looked over at him with his cheery face and his oblivion to my plight and answered a definitive, "No. I am just walking to the next town".

"Too bad", said he. "You meet the most interesting people out here."

And with that he was gone. And I was once again alone on the path to contemplate my life, my poor choice of shoes, and where there might just be a vineyard out here in the middle of the Pyrenees.

Paying it Forward

A young man started his first job today. Remarkable? Probably not. But because I got to play a role in his future I am reminded over and over again how sometimes the smallest gestures have the biggest reward.

I was never a mother. I was never a teacher. I was never a drill Sargent. Yet every Summer I get to be all three as I host my company's new class of college interns that invade my office. As I tell them on that first day, "this is the hardest job you'll ever love". And love it they do.

Over the years I have had probably 60 young people pass through my "boot camp". I laugh and tell my friends that "they come in boys and leave men". But all kidding aside, the change in these young people who take the job to heart is remarkable.

This Summer, I had a special intern, a son of a friend of mine who had somehow gotten through 4 years of college without any practical experience. And as I walked into the conference room on that first day for the interview, my assistant walked by and said, "Be gentle. I think he's going to throw up".

As I closed the door behind me, I turned and saw a young man, the spitting image of his dad but without any of the confidence that his dad possessed. His suit was new, his shirt and tie were scratching his neck and his eyes were searching the room like a wild animal looking for a way out.

But yet there was something there, deep inside, that led me to hire him for the Summer. And it turns out that within this kid was a kind soul, a smart mind and the willingness to do whatever it was going to take to be successful. He not only did the work that was assigned to him, but he also sat through grueling "practice interview" sessions with me critiquing him at every step of the way . . ."Eye contact, stop wiggling, give me your elevator speech" I said, in my best drill Sargent voice.

And all of his practice paid off, for at the end of the Summer, through some networking, he was able to secure employement at one of the top advertising agencies in Chicago, in one of the worst economies.

In the advertising business, we all pay our dues, starting at the bottom rung of the ladder and doing whatever it takes to move up. But every once in awhile, we get a chance to "pay it forward" and give someone a "leg up". Someone took a chance on me over 30 years ago and put me in a job that I was not qualified for, but saw my future potential. Today I get to sit in that chair and help the next generation of marketers get into this business that I love.

Remember that kid of my friend? I think he said it best in his thank you letter to me. He wrote,"I don't know how I can ever repay you for what you have done, but I will start by making the absolute most of my future that you helped to craft". And helping to craft a young person's future is a legacy I am proud to leave behind.

Imagine the world we would live in if everyone "paid it forward". It would be a better place.

Communication Failure?

There was a story on the news the other night about an educator down in Florida who felt that cursive handwriting had outlived it's usefulness and so they were no longer going to teach it in that school given kids need to learn to type and text more. Thank heaven saner minds prevailed and cursive continues to be taught, but it got me thinking to the type of communication we have today. Sure, it's faster. But is it better?

Case in point. Most electronic devices today have an "auto finisher" option that will finish typing a word for you, saving you time. But when that auto finisher inserts the wrong word, the resultant message, while oftentimes funny, totally misses the point and causes the receiver to furrow their brow in bewilderment wondering just what the original message was supposed to be.

Or how about all the acronyms and just plain parts of words that are to save again on having to type it all- but that may be lost to the end user. I get there there may only be 160 characters to say all that you've got to say, but really! When you get a message like, "R U F2T?" (are you free to talk for those of you text challenged out there) my response is always a resounding "Yes" for at least by talking, I won't have to think so hard about what the sender is really trying to say.

Now that's not to say I don't enjoy the brevity of today's communication, but is is a bit of a misnomer to think we are communicating with those right in front of us. Now instead of going out to catch up with friends- we still get together, but invariably are all on the phone texting others rather than connecting with those around us. Look around. If you are in a public place, I'll bet that most people around you are not looking at the world around them, but at the world, their world, that exists is that small phone device in their hand.

I wonder what face to face communication will look like in the future? Will the term "John Hancock" at some point really only refer to the man and not the signature that many people reference when people say, "we need your John Hancock on this". Will cursive writing really go the way of the buggy whip? And are we ready to let machines finish our communication for us, guessing on the word that we may want to use just because we have used it so many times before?

For this writer, I hope the answers to all of these questions are no. While I love the convenience and brevity of today's communication, I love more the English language and the vast array of words that are available to us. Sure, some of the words have more letters that you may want to use in a text, some words will never come up in an "auto finish" option, and some things just can't be said with an acronym. But some thoughts are more important, more necessary than simple words warrant. And that's the beauty of the written word, and ALL the letters they contain.

In Love for 4 days

Can you feign love? A friend of mine decided to put it to the test. She went away with a man she had been casually dating on his promise that her 4 day "Getaway" could be as romantic as ever, in fact he called it "In love for four days", but once they returned it was "back to normal" in terms of their relationship. Back to normal?, she thought. What would that look like after living as a couple for a long weekend?

People put parameters on so many things in their lives. To work out, or not. To buy something for looks or functionality. To put their "Game face" on or to show emotion. All in an effort to do what? Keep true emotions at bay? And are we better for feigning true emotion or is it a protective measure to protect ourselves from being hurt?

So the long weekend happened. According to her they had an amazing time. They slept late, laughed over beers at a local watering hole, walked holding hands along the beach, ate late dinners over candlelight and made love in front of a crackling fire overlooking the ocean. Anyone who saw them certainly would have thought that there was a relationship; a history between these two. Casual friends? Doubtful.

Yet when they returned from their trip, while she was re thinking the casualness of their relationship as she was sure his feelings had changed, he was back to "normal", sticking staunchly to the idea that they were just "friends" and that no connection, nothing meaningful had transpired.

What is it that makes men and women process the same information in a different way? Could she have mis read the signals so dramatically, or did she really not believe him when he said that the trip would change nothing between them? And how could he be so solicitous, so caring for those 4 days going through all the motions but meaning none of them?

Feigning love or any emotion puts those involved in the relationship at risk. Feelings get hurt, hearts get broken and all those painful childhood crush insecurities redevelop.

But for this ConnectedGirl- for those 4 days my friend was happy, happier than I had seen her in a long time. So is there a value in short term happiness at any price? Or was the price in this case too high a price to pay?

Don't look now!

My friend stood up in a bar the other night and because of a "shoe failure" slipped and fell down. She was horribly embarrassed and kept apologizing and saying she wasn't drunk. We didn't think she was.

Another friend,on another night, almost got us kicked out of a bar for making a scene over a sports score that didn't go the way he wanted it to go. He apologized later and said how embarrassed he was for his behavior. I had never given it another thought.

And yet another friend walked out of a restroom with her skirt tucked into the back of her underwear. Red faced and almost in tears, she, too, said how embarrassed she was. We all laughed.

Three separate incidents. But one word to describe them all. Embarrassment. It's kind of a funny word.

My friend who almost got us kicked out of that sports bar, has an observation on it. He feels that if no one sees it- there is no embarrassment. True? For if you slip in your own home, yell at your own TV or have a clothing malfunction in your closet, who's the wiser?

I think on this one, I have to agree. After all- I can be angry with myself for doing something stupid when alone- but embarrassment? Not so much. That embarrassing feeling only happens when you look up and know that someone saw the stupid move, heard the mispronounced turn of phrase, or participated in the awkward situation.

So the next time you see me- don't watch too closely. For I'd hate for my actions to cause me embarrassment. And that can only happen when you are looking!

Relationships

I am always fascinated when people tell me they don't want to be in a relationship. "Hmm", I think. "Isn't every interaction we have with someone, some type of a relationship? And isn't the fact that we are even having a mere conversation suggest some type of relationship, now matter how minimal?"

Maybe it's the type of relationship that they are pushing back on. After all- there are many kinds of relationships -romantic, friendly, adversarial, casual, etc., the list goes on and on.

So how do you clarify when someone says they don't want a relationship what they really want?

A friend of mine had been seeing a man for about 3 months when he told her he didn't want a relationship. Yet he didn't stop calling or seeing her. In fact, nothing really changed in their lives at all, that she could see. She was stymied about this until she finally asked him what was the purpose of the "big speech" that he had made about relationships.

"Well", he said. "I love being with you. I just don't want a relationship".

"What do you think we have?", said she, exasperated to the point of directness.

"What do you mean?" replied he. "This isn't a relationship. It's just us."

And so it goes. Will we ever know what a true relationship is? And how special all the different types of relationships are that we have? Our lives are fuller and richer for those people who pass through them over the course of time and for those that stay for the long haul. Be they friends, lovers, teachers or even adversaries, we learn and grow from every type of relationship that we have.

I personally value all the different types of relationships in my life. They make up the mosaic that is me. When people tell me I have a good life, I always laugh. For my life is not so much a entity unto itself- but more a weave of people who I am in relationships with and for whom I am forever grateful. For this journey called life that we are on, is always better when there are others along for the ride. Here's to relationships and all the smiles, tears, heartache, confusion, humbleness and laughter that comes along with them!